Reasons why I "dislike" the PNW...

1. The weather, I talk about it all the time.  It is soul sucking and it is no wonder the suicide rate is so high here.  I am not saying that to be funny.  Vitamin D defeciency causes depression. I know, first hand, that the lack of sun will make you feel like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. Whoever said "It can't rain all the time.", never lived here.  ;-)
2. Passive aggressive behavior.  Say what you mean, people!!!  Or better yet, say nothing! I am so tired of people protecting peoples' feelings through dishonesty.  Also, not everyone deserves a trophy, There I said it!  Sucking still happens here even if you're too pretentious to see it.
3. I am far away from my siblings and parents.  The closest portion of my family is 2,480 miles away.
4. I have spent all of my time here broke. The economy busted right after we bought our home in an area we don't want to live in.  It may be self-induced but it fucking sucks. 
5. The drivers, this goes with #2.  The left lane is for passing, the middle for the speed limit and the right for people going slower or exiting.  They all drive the reverse of this so getting anywhere is infuriating. 
6. No Dunkin' Donuts.  And while I love the gourmet donut shops, they are all too far away for me to actually visit them with any type of frequency. 
7. Getting dressed requires a wardrobe consisting of far too many layers.
8. It's so damp no matter how "warm" it is you still feel cold.
9. I can't go to every roller derby bout!  There are so many on the I-5 corridor and I can never choose, or can't go. see #4.
10. Vagabonds, thieves, and schemers.  They're everywhere, but seriously don't tell me you're out of gas, AGAIN, in the exact same place you were 3 weeks ago.  Not buying it or giving you any money for it.

Reasons to "like" the PNW...

1. The weather.  It's mild and passive aggressive just like it's people.  Spring is beautiful and summer is too.
2. The outdoors.  Not my personal cup of  tea but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't always on the look out for a bald eagle or a beaver.  Fact.
3. ROLLER DERBY! OMG! There is so much of it!!  You can drive 30 minutes in any direction and find a top 10 team.
4. Apple and Berry farms.  Because who doesn't like fresh fruit and visiting a farm.
5. coffee shops.  I personally don't care much for coffee but walk a block in any direction and you'll find a coffee shop.
6. Thrift stores.  Rich people can be charitable with their really nice, expensive things.  This means better stuff to find while thrifting.
7. I need to come up with 10? 
8. Cultured people who don't stare at me for being tattooed.  They get that we don't all fit in a uniform.  I appreciate not being oogled and judged.
9. There's volcanoes and that's pretty exotic and interesting.
10. Indoor waterparks.  Because let's be honest how often would they really be open if they were outdoor?

Over the last 2 years, I have learned a lot, grown a lot, and made some of my best friends.  The PNW and the Army are responsible for that.  I am a cynical whiner but I would be remiss if I didn't say that this place will grow on you.  This will be another difficult place to leave.  Change is inevitable and you should never make your heart so tight and hard that you can't let what little light you'll see in the Northwest get in there.
Cheers! 

The Future of Derby is Now

       Recently, I have been given the opportunity to coach the JBLM Bettie Bratz, my roller derby league's junior team.  The team consists of young girls and boys ranging in age from 7-14.  Today, while planning some drills for them I realized something, this is a HUGE responsibility!  Not because of the extra time and extra work that I am putting into it, or because I've never coached anyone outside of Sales associates and Assistant managers, but because I will be shaping their opinion of sports.

       When I was a child, my twin sister wanted to be a cheerleader.  Much to my shagrin, I also had to participate.  Now, a lot can be said about my desire vs. my ability, but that's not the point.  I was told, in a very direct way, that although I wasn't actually good enough to make the team my sister was.  And so, by default I was put on the team and then made to stand in the back.  This was an activity that maybe didn't require a lot of skill for a young, rambunctious child and somehow I didn't make the cut.  Fast forward to our next sports fail, Basketball.  I loved basketball as a child!  The dream team was in the Olympics, I had Michael Jordan posters.  I was tall for my age.  I wanted so much for this to be MY sport!  I played on the intramural team, not well.  Later, tried out for JV team, with no success.  I hadn't watched a whole lot of basketball and there was nowhere for me to practice or more than likely, no one to practice with.  I didn't know how much time and energy went into being good at a sport.  Moreover, I didn't have anyone to show me.  So, in that same year, my twin sister again decided on our activity.  This time it was ballet.  As a child, I imagine I seemed a good fit for it, long, lean, and flexible.  Our dance teacher decided 2 weeks in that I wasn't touching my toes to my head soon enough and pushed them together.  Did you know you could sprain shoulder blades?!  Me neither.  I was "injured" and refused to go back.   I tried tennis at about 12 and that went considerably better. I practiced several times a week and was terrible! The difference being our coach made me try and encouraged me to keep showing up and practicing.  These are all examples of how adults can change a child's perspective on a sport.  It took me 20 years to get over those feelings of inadequacy. 

       So, here's my current opportunity, to have these young people believe that I feel they're capable and to make themselves believe that they are capable.  I must create an environment that develops growth for all different learning styles and personalities.  (Who knew there was so much personality!?)  I am amazed at the ability these young people possess and their drive to accomplish new skills.  All I have to do is cultivate this love for learning about roller derby (hahaha).  That's all, no pressure!  All the while, being mindful that my attitude toward their abilities could have a positive or negative impact on their feelings toward their abilities.

       We're not just coaching kids, we're coaching future athletes and coaches! What types of athletes are we developing? Hardworking, Tenacious, Goal-driven? Are we instilling sportsman like qualities? Are we setting the example in our own game play? Is winning the ultimate goal or is learning and adapting?    I guess I'm wondering, what are your positive coaching experiences?  Either as a coach or an athlete, what behavior motivated you and helped you succeed?  How did you as a coach or athlete and your coaches handle losing? 

   

My Sister Wife, The Army

    What is a marriage anyway?  I guess the main difference between a committed couple and a married couple is a certificate from the county clerk's office.   But they don't ever ask how many children you both want or where you plan to buy your first home.  They never ask who's career will be more important.  The clerk doesn't have a checklist.  Just a questionnaire to help prove you're not related or still married to someone else.
      Why do I care about any of this?  Because I feel the difference is promises.  A boyfriend may promise to love you forever but he does it in private.  A husband, tells everyone, including God and your county clerk that he wants you and only you until the contract becomes null and void (i.e. til death do us part)  Or until someone breaks that legal agreement.  More often than not it's the latter.

      I married a man in the military.  A man who already had a contract with someone else.  Someone who is, in essence, already a married man.  Am I a homewrecker or a homemaker?  I keep trying to get around this bureaucracy but I am feeling that they are winning.  While a lot of guys can take a sick day, mine can not.  Vacation, that's a no too.  And all of these random and inconvenient things have become a part of our everyday life.  A series of challenges we must face every day.  So, in my particular case, while he's out learning to fly, I'm figuring out Tricare and on-post childcare.  While he's wearing a clean, crisp uniform, I'm in stained pajamas.  While he's navigating a flight path, I'm negotiating with a 2 yr old about the importance of eating lunch.  All of this, in both of our cases, is so we can be home with our family and make the world a little better.

      People don't understand that having your husband home late or not at all is a way of life.  They some how begrudge it, wives included.  I was pretty spoiled by the fact that I met my husband when he was stationed just an hour away from my hometown, not his or ours.  Most women meet their military spouse in high school or in the place they both grew up.  I imagine that that scenario can be quite convenient when visiting grandparents.  But it's not the case with us.  Not to mention, when we got married we weren't aware of what having kids would do to change those feelings. 
       Kids are a game changer. Period.  Any traveling you did before, any friends you hung out with, any restaurants or bars you went to, that is all out the window.  Those places and things become like DisneyLand for you.  So, visiting the in-laws takes on a whole 'nother level of difficulty if you have to, *gasp*, take an airplane or worse, drive for 5 days!!  It's a lot of work and things come up with kids that make having your spouse deployed that much more difficult.  Because you're dealing with your grief and your childrens'.  And theirs' will not be as clean and precise as yours, they will pick the worst time ever to miss Daddy!  Like, at the grocery store or in the middle of your sister's wedding.  Children don't understand what is socially acceptable.  They act the way we wish we could when things are stressful.  They haven't learned how to hide disappointment, frustration, and anger.  They throw themselves on the ground and cry and kick and scream.
 

       We may not always get along but the Army is my Sister Wife.  She's the boundary line, the bread-winner, the complicater, and the glue.  

Roller Derby, the new FRG.

The life of the military spouse is often riddled with good-byes.  From the initial good-bye to our spouses at basic or our families after we get orders to our first duty station. Later, it's the friends we come to see as family  and more often than any of us want to remember, it's saying our final good-byes to men and women who have come to our bar-b-ques, watched our kids, or helped us install bathroom tile.We spend much of our time relying on people who aren't our family and develop close relationships in short amounts of time.  This is necessary for survival in the military.  From combat to carpooling, getting to know and trust people quickly is imperative.  I've been thinking a lot about this paradigm lately. 
Where I'm from, in not-so-small town Philadelphia, PA, most people never leave.  They raise their families with their siblings or the girls they've known since kindergarten. They can call their Moms' to come babysit for an impromptu date night.  I have mixed feelings about this; The first feeling is jealousy.  I would give a vital organ to be able to live close to my siblings and parents.  That being said, I don't think they realize how many awesome people are out there that they haven't even met.  The Army affords me the opportunity to meet people I didn't think existed.  People who understand me, people who get what I'm going through, people who are literally able to handle anything life throws at them, and people who would do anything for me not because we share the same blood but because we're all fighting the same battle.  With getting to know these people comes the painful sting of having to say good-bye to even more family.  Moreover, knowing these people exist, makes you realize that we could all learn a thing or two about friendship.
We call ourselves sister wives, battle buddies, and deployment bffs.  We spend time helping raise each others' children, cooking meals, or cleaning out the garage for the pre-PCS yard sale.  Not even my Mom knows what a day in my life is like, but these women, they get it.  They get that I'm not resentful of my husband when he's gone, they get that I chose this, they also understand that sometimes I think it's not fair even if I talk a big game. 
I was very fortunate to meet my husband when he was already in the military.  It was a steep learning curve.  I didn't buy into the FRG (Family Readiness Group) business and my family was only an hour away, so how hard could it be, right?!  Wow, I would soon find out!  I was and am still terrible at making friends.  Luckily, our first venture into PCSing came with friends attached.  Those people, no matter where our lives take us, will always be close to my heart.  Our next PCS, also had friends but was a little more difficult even though closer to home.  However, our most recent was a ruder awakening.  Honestly, I don't know that I would have survived without finding roller derby.  Through roller derby, I found my FRG.  It's everything FRG should be, no rank, low drama, and fun!  But now the good-byes are getting more difficult. 
Since beginning roller derby, I've met so many women who were kind, smart, and tough.  They just wanted time away from the every day life of being moms, wives, and soldiers.  You bond with each other as a team and then as individuals and there's less cliques like you get with FRG,  It's not the officers vs. enlisted at derby.  We're women and we're all playing for the same team so no one cares that you're a Seargent Major or a PFC.  They do care about you as an individual and your family needs but they're not nosy or vindictive. 

Let's get back to the point, the Military introduces us, Roller Derby bonds us, and those experiences bind us forever.  So, I know no matter where I go, I have friends because I have the military and because I have roller derby.  But those women, who stood beside me, skated beside me, leaned on me, or lent me their shoulders, they will always be with me.  Without the Army, I wouldn't know what that meant.  So, Murph, Red, Wendy, Somer, Angie, Pain, Quarter, 4-Scar, all of you ladies and all the ones I miss and love, thank you for making the good-byes more difficult. 

The War Widows

If there is one thing I've learned about military life at War time, It's that there is a lot of heartache.  Before I became an Army Wife, I saw the news, saw that a soldier was injured or killed, and after a fleeting sadness my life would be normal again.  Then, I met my husband...
When I met Josh, he was a Blackhawk crewchief.  The movie Blackhawk Down had just come out on DVD and I refused to watch it.  That was one of the many things that would change as I fell in love with a soldier, befriended soldiers and their families, and later became a military spouse.  It took me 5 years to sit down and watch that movie because I was terrified of what I'd see.  Military spouses are faced with watching their loved ones head off to War or training, knowing it's dangerous and having to put on a brave face.  To my surprise, the movie gave me a perspective I hadn't seen.  It made me realize that my husband didn't fly on helicopters solely because it was a cool job to have, he did it because he felt a calling to protect his country, by way of his family. 
Many Army wives say they fear the worst when they don't hear from their husbands while they're overseas.  We carry our cell phones everywhere, sometimes sleep with them, check our e-mail incessantly, we become obsessed with communication.  However, I am positive we all fear more than anything, more than phones that don't ring, is cars that pull into our driveways...  They won't ever call you to tell you something is wrong.  They send a car, full of people, up your driveway; And by then, you don't even want your phone.  You don't want to make the phone calls that come next.  You don't want to answer and hear anyone else's tears.  I am so very fortunate I have only had bad dreams about the government plates pulling up the street.  My husband is alive and well and home most nights for dinner right now.  But the point of this blog isn't to point out my blessings, it's to shed some light on ways we can become widows long before we ever see those vans.
People don't tell you about the emotional toll deployments take on soldiers and their families.  Our country has been deployed non-stop since 2002.  That's a lot of time away from home.  Couples weren't ready for the strain these deployments would have on their marriages.  When I met my husband he was living in a house with 2 couples, both of the girls were barely 21, divorced, and onto their next marriages.  This would be absurd anywhere else but in the Army, this is normal!!!  You can only imagine what Catholic school, happily-married parents, Betsy was thinking about this!!  I judged them.  Sometimes, I still catch myself doing it.  But here's the low-down on this often seen Military Marriage.
War Widow #1-The Basic/HS sweetheart scenario-He's leaving for Basic after Graduation, they've been together since Junior year, they're in love, and he doesn't know where he'll go after Basic.  So, they get married.  They stay together, he makes more money for having a dependent, it's a win-win.  Cue the deployment.  Here we have an 18y.o. girl, away from home, her new husband a million miles away, no support system, and loneliness kicks in.  He gets back, there's resentment, possible infidelity, and basically no marriage left.  Usually, this ends in divorce.  Basic promises a life of love and togetherness, the Army delivers loneliness. I do know a few couples who are still together after this scenario but they're like unicorns and are both very combat savvy marriage vets. 

War Widow #2- The Single-Married Mom.Then there's the estrangement that grows from having a spouse who hasn't been home for most of your marriage together.  You find yourselves finally together and realize you've never lived together, that he/she is a slob, a neat freak, has strange bowel habits, etc.  Basically, you're starting over at whatever point in your marriage and you can choose to stick it out or run away.  In the military, it's tough sticking together when things are always changing and you don't know what's next.  Some couples find strength in the new opportunities, some fall apart.  If you have kids this creates a continuity issue while raising them.  When you're always the boss and then your spouse comes home and becomes the new sheriff it can be demoralizing. Military wives spend A LOT of time parenting and problem solving by themselves and this can lead to resentment.  Eating dinner alone, while arguing with your children to eat, after spending an hour cooking, can reduce even the toughest Mom to a hateful Harpe.  

War Widow #3- The Wounded Warrior Widow. Some guys come back broken.  They can have physical injuries that are a new challenge or mental ones you don't see coming.  When someone leaves your home a kind, loving, tender individual and returns a moody, off-balance psycho this can be hard on EVERYONE.  People don't realize the toll War takes on a person's brain or heart.  A lot of men come home and "self-medicate" with alcohol or drugs or take out their frustration on their partner's through emotional or physical abuse.

War Widow #4 -PCSing(Permanent Change of Station) can certainly play a role in ending a marriage.  First thing's first, some women move away from home with their husbands from the jump.  They don't mind being away from family for the most part or don't have much of a home life to begin with. Then there are spouses like me who loved home, had friends, family, and a support system near by.  Spouses who do not want to move and who have been spoiled by being so close to home.  They move to a new area, have no friends, have no family close-by, and more often than not, their active duty spouse deploys right after arriving.  From experience I know, they feel isolated, unloved, and forgotten.  This usually causes some sort of resentment and definitely can lead to depression if they can't make the most of it.  These women will make 1 of 3 choices, stay and wait, go home during deployment, or sometimes leave in general.  Their unhappiness is so great that they start to think they're marriage is what is making them unhappy.  When in fact it's the lack of what marriage promised that is causing the unhappiness.  I love my husband but being away from my "home" makes me feel downright angry.  My choice is to wait it out and to try and remember my home doesn't exist without him.  My challenge now is to accept a place I don't like as my home.  Their won't be aunts and uncles and cousins around for my kids to hang out with and learn from and that really hurts me.  But with Army life, and for my marriage's sake, I have to hunker down and make a conscious choice to live here and like it here. 

War Widow #5- Actual War Widows.  Sometimes, they don't come home.  I have met very few war widows during our time in military service.  My first interaction was when I was working in retail and when I asked for a woman's I.D. she gave me her dependent I.D. Next to AD (Active Duty), it read DEC.  I asked her what DEC meant, to which she replied "deceased".  All I could muster was a feeble "I'm sorry".  There are a lot of reasons to be frustrated by your role as a military spouse.  Take a second and realize that some guys do not come home and those vans do show up.  In the last 10 years, we have lost a lot of husbands, fathers, brothers, and sons. We can argue about what we're fighting for and if it is worth fighting for but let's not. Let's instead think about the women who planned a life that will never happen, who planned a vacation that never came, who have to raise their children alone.  Think of them when you hate the town the Army put you in, think of them when you want to be unfaithful, think of them when it just doesn't seem worth it anymore.  I know that all they want in the whole world is to be annoyed by their husband's job because it would mean he was home and safe. We don't always get a second chance to be gracious or to be a good wife.  One day can change all of the plans you had.  One moment can take the love of your life away.

We as a military community should be fighting the war to save our families and our marriages.  We can not let the war-time divide us.  We must continue to defy the forces beyond our control.  Our spouses signed up to serve their country and whether or not we always enjoy what that means, we should remember not everyone will understand our circumstances.  Stop taking advice from your friend back home (who's never known anyone in the military) who thinks your husband can't possibly be gone so much and still be faithful.  Stop listening to people who make you feel it's such a sacrifice to love someone enough to be married to them for better or for worse.

The Birth of Sailor Cherry and the Death of "I Can't"

So, we have been in WA state for 1 year and 4 months.  I am not going to lie and say I love it.  My poor husband can't roll his eyes hard enough everytime I make a snarky comment about the weather.  That being said, my list of things I am looking forward to delivered.  Although I haven't been snowboarding, yet, I have experienced and understood the culture here way better than last time. 
So, my list
1. The Hackmans
2. Roller Derby.
3. Possibly snowboarding
4. Experiencing a different culture
5. Having my kids close to grandparents
6. Less bugs?
7. Can you tell I'm grasping here?
#1, It is amazing how much you don't realize you miss something or someone until you have them back in your life.  Close friends who know everything about you and love you are indispensable. 
#2. Well it's what this blog is about, really. (see next paragraph)
#3. Not yet, but we may be here awhile considering the housing market took a dive and we're just going to have to wait it out.
#4.  I've drank like 4 cups of coffee in the last 7 months, a record for me!  Seriously.  I have decided I'll keep an open mind about it.
#5.  The kids love playing at Grandma and Grandpa's house.  They love their dog, their chickens, their neighbor's donkeys, and Grandma and Grandpa, of course.  I am so glad that visiting their Grandparents can be such an experience for them.
#6.  There are significantly less flying cockroaches, lol!  However, in the summer, the flies and bees make me glad The DH bought me an electric fly swatter.

So, Roller Derby!!!  I like it more than I thought I would.  My first practice was the end of July 2011 and consisted of a lot of falls and suicides in Walmart skates barely fit for a session!  The next day I couldn't get up or sit down without excruciating pain.  I went to every practice available and then did a session skate once a week for the first couple months.  I ditched those white Walmart specials for a pair of actual Derby skates (Riedell She-Devils), passed my skills test, picked a derb.y name, and was rostered for my very first bout on October 15th, 2011 
Before I started derby I was anxious, depressed, and quite frankly not much fun.  I had become a "Mom" and didn't know what that meant or even who I was anymore.  I started taking Zoloft and understood that what was happening was something chemical that I couldn't fix on my own.  I also learned that exercise kicks depressions ass!  All that anxiety started dissipating and soon I wasn't overwhelmed by every little thing that didn't go exactly as planned.  I noticed my legs were strong again and my core could support weight again.  I learned that I am a hyper person by nature and that I actually crave exercise.  The inactivity of my life and moreover the complacency I had developed was kind of killing my spirit.  Like many women, and now men, "Roller Derby saved my soul" and more importantly it brought Betsy back.  It has given me a sense of purpose and empowerment that nothing had before. 
Before derby everything was "I can't" or "It's too hard".  It's not like I don't have days or even weeks where I don't feel super awesome.  For instance, in March, after my first job interview in literally years, all of that yucky came back and knocked me on my ass quicker than a can opener to the sternum.  I was blindsided by feeling not good enough for the first time since I started derby.  That feeling carried over into everything!  I was bad at making breakfast, being a Mom, being a wife; I was even bad at DERBY!  Ugh!!  After a very long crying spell one Sunday afternoon and some words of encouragement from my biggest fan, things got back to my new normal.  But even when days are tough I have still learned what people have been telling me for years, "I can" and more importantly, I will! I have been a stay at home Mom and Army wife for nearly 6 and a half years and have spent countless days and nights handling the house by myself all the while feeling incapable.  But when I strap on roller skates and pads, I'm somehow not incapable, I am empowered!  For literally the first time in my life, I have a sport, friends, and some form of purpose. 

So, to all those ladies just starting derby and loving it but feeling bad at it, here are a few insights, 1. you're only gonna get out what you put in.  2. YOU CAN! 3. Sucking is the first symptom that you're actually learning.

Mr. Incredible comes home late for dinner, too.

Someone asked me the other day, "How do you keep from resenting your husband?".  I said "I remember that I chose this life too."  Although there are times I wonder how a girl so independent and forward thinking ended up married to a man in the military and living in a place so devoid of culture, (I get stared at regularly and have to look around to remember a good portion of my torso is covered in tattoos...) I catch myself remembering the sense of adventure I had when this whole thing started. 
I married my husband knowing that he was in the military and being fully aware that he would have to travel a lot but up until about 3 years ago, he was the only one moving anywhere.  I was pretty spoiled by the fact that I met my husband in what was almost my home town.  I never had to live away from my sisters or my parents, at least not more than an hour.  So, here I am in the middle of nowhere, again.  My kids have already lived in 3 different states and my oldest is just turning 4!  There are a lot of things about military life they glaze over in the pamphlet.  And for me, the one thing they talk about the most, moving a lot, is the one thing I thought I wouldn't have to do!!  So, we're on move number 3? now and I am dealing with all of the things I didn't think to deal with before.  Again, my rarely used sense of adventure is tingling and I am ready to get the f*** out of dodge!  I don't know that I am excited about where we are heading but I am damn sure excited about not being here.  I don't think my husband or I have ever had such a case of vacationitis or short-timers syndrome.  It's hot here and humid and boring!  We are just ready to start our lives again.  We've been in limbo here, having had to practically start over and rebuild.  And in every sense too.  Up until September of 2009, we hadn't lived together for more than a couple months in the entirety of our marriage, we've been married 5 years!  So, we had to learn to live with each other and learn to be parents simultaneously.  These last 2 years have been extremely trying for both of us emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
Anyways, we all have times when we look over at our spouses and think "WTF! was I thinking?" We all have to sacrifice something to make a marriage work.  If we're lucky those sacrifices will be insignificant but if you think of your new family unit as "the greater good" then even the the big stuff will pale in comparison.  Remember the movie The Incredibles...

"Frozone: The public is in danger!

Honey: My evening's in danger!

Frozone: You tell me where my suit is woman! This is for the greater good!

Honey: I am your wife! I am the greatest 'good' you are ever gonna get!"

AND SOMETIMES, saving the world has to be more important than dinner. 

The things that bug me aren't living far away, it's the freedom we don't have.  We're so busy with this lifestyle and time off is so hard to come-by that we miss a lot of stuff.  Or worse, I have to go by myself!!!  I have been to one wedding with my husband in 6 years (besides our own) and it was at our house.  There have been 3 or more I've had to go to alone.  Stag at a wedding is not fun, especially, when you're already married.  That's the thing no one tells you about being a military spouse.  Being alone is the biggest downside of this job.  If I lived far away from my family but got to see my husband everyday and have bbqs on the weekends and all of that stuff, I think it would be a million times easier to be a military spouse.  We get married to grow old together and it is hard for some of us to take when we're just getting old and tired and not doing any of it together.  So, if you were to allow yourself to dwell on that, than yea, I'd be resentful too... But I love my husband and even when I am disappointed and feeling like life is unfair I try to remember that I signed that marriage certificate.  "For Better or Worse"