If there is one thing I've learned about military life at War time, It's that there is a lot of heartache. Before I became an Army Wife, I saw the news, saw that a soldier was injured or killed, and after a fleeting sadness my life would be normal again. Then, I met my husband...
When I met Josh, he was a Blackhawk crewchief. The movie Blackhawk Down had just come out on DVD and I refused to watch it. That was one of the many things that would change as I fell in love with a soldier, befriended soldiers and their families, and later became a military spouse. It took me 5 years to sit down and watch that movie because I was terrified of what I'd see. Military spouses are faced with watching their loved ones head off to War or training, knowing it's dangerous and having to put on a brave face. To my surprise, the movie gave me a perspective I hadn't seen. It made me realize that my husband didn't fly on helicopters solely because it was a cool job to have, he did it because he felt a calling to protect his country, by way of his family.
Many Army wives say they fear the worst when they don't hear from their husbands while they're overseas. We carry our cell phones everywhere, sometimes sleep with them, check our e-mail incessantly, we become obsessed with communication. However, I am positive we all fear more than anything, more than phones that don't ring, is cars that pull into our driveways... They won't ever call you to tell you something is wrong. They send a car, full of people, up your driveway; And by then, you don't even want your phone. You don't want to make the phone calls that come next. You don't want to answer and hear anyone else's tears. I am so very fortunate I have only had bad dreams about the government plates pulling up the street. My husband is alive and well and home most nights for dinner right now. But the point of this blog isn't to point out my blessings, it's to shed some light on ways we can become widows long before we ever see those vans.
People don't tell you about the emotional toll deployments take on soldiers and their families. Our country has been deployed non-stop since 2002. That's a lot of time away from home. Couples weren't ready for the strain these deployments would have on their marriages. When I met my husband he was living in a house with 2 couples, both of the girls were barely 21, divorced, and onto their next marriages. This would be absurd anywhere else but in the Army, this is normal!!! You can only imagine what Catholic school, happily-married parents, Betsy was thinking about this!! I judged them. Sometimes, I still catch myself doing it. But here's the low-down on this often seen Military Marriage.
War Widow #1-The Basic/HS sweetheart scenario-He's leaving for Basic after Graduation, they've been together since Junior year, they're in love, and he doesn't know where he'll go after Basic. So, they get married. They stay together, he makes more money for having a dependent, it's a win-win. Cue the deployment. Here we have an 18y.o. girl, away from home, her new husband a million miles away, no support system, and loneliness kicks in. He gets back, there's resentment, possible infidelity, and basically no marriage left. Usually, this ends in divorce. Basic promises a life of love and togetherness, the Army delivers loneliness. I do know a few couples who are still together after this scenario but they're like unicorns and are both very combat savvy marriage vets.
War Widow #2- The Single-Married Mom.Then there's the estrangement that grows from having a spouse who hasn't been home for most of your marriage together. You find yourselves finally together and realize you've never lived together, that he/she is a slob, a neat freak, has strange bowel habits, etc. Basically, you're starting over at whatever point in your marriage and you can choose to stick it out or run away. In the military, it's tough sticking together when things are always changing and you don't know what's next. Some couples find strength in the new opportunities, some fall apart. If you have kids this creates a continuity issue while raising them. When you're always the boss and then your spouse comes home and becomes the new sheriff it can be demoralizing. Military wives spend A LOT of time parenting and problem solving by themselves and this can lead to resentment. Eating dinner alone, while arguing with your children to eat, after spending an hour cooking, can reduce even the toughest Mom to a hateful Harpe.
War Widow #3- The Wounded Warrior Widow. Some guys come back broken. They can have physical injuries that are a new challenge or mental ones you don't see coming. When someone leaves your home a kind, loving, tender individual and returns a moody, off-balance psycho this can be hard on EVERYONE. People don't realize the toll War takes on a person's brain or heart. A lot of men come home and "self-medicate" with alcohol or drugs or take out their frustration on their partner's through emotional or physical abuse.
War Widow #4 -PCSing(Permanent Change of Station) can certainly play a role in ending a marriage. First thing's first, some women move away from home with their husbands from the jump. They don't mind being away from family for the most part or don't have much of a home life to begin with. Then there are spouses like me who loved home, had friends, family, and a support system near by. Spouses who do not want to move and who have been spoiled by being so close to home. They move to a new area, have no friends, have no family close-by, and more often than not, their active duty spouse deploys right after arriving. From experience I know, they feel isolated, unloved, and forgotten. This usually causes some sort of resentment and definitely can lead to depression if they can't make the most of it. These women will make 1 of 3 choices, stay and wait, go home during deployment, or sometimes leave in general. Their unhappiness is so great that they start to think they're marriage is what is making them unhappy. When in fact it's the lack of what marriage promised that is causing the unhappiness. I love my husband but being away from my "home" makes me feel downright angry. My choice is to wait it out and to try and remember my home doesn't exist without him. My challenge now is to accept a place I don't like as my home. Their won't be aunts and uncles and cousins around for my kids to hang out with and learn from and that really hurts me. But with Army life, and for my marriage's sake, I have to hunker down and make a conscious choice to live here and like it here.
War Widow #5- Actual War Widows. Sometimes, they don't come home. I have met very few war widows during our time in military service. My first interaction was when I was working in retail and when I asked for a woman's I.D. she gave me her dependent I.D. Next to AD (Active Duty), it read DEC. I asked her what DEC meant, to which she replied "deceased". All I could muster was a feeble "I'm sorry". There are a lot of reasons to be frustrated by your role as a military spouse. Take a second and realize that some guys do not come home and those vans do show up. In the last 10 years, we have lost a lot of husbands, fathers, brothers, and sons. We can argue about what we're fighting for and if it is worth fighting for but let's not. Let's instead think about the women who planned a life that will never happen, who planned a vacation that never came, who have to raise their children alone. Think of them when you hate the town the Army put you in, think of them when you want to be unfaithful, think of them when it just doesn't seem worth it anymore. I know that all they want in the whole world is to be annoyed by their husband's job because it would mean he was home and safe. We don't always get a second chance to be gracious or to be a good wife. One day can change all of the plans you had. One moment can take the love of your life away.
We as a military community should be fighting the war to save our families and our marriages. We can not let the war-time divide us. We must continue to defy the forces beyond our control. Our spouses signed up to serve their country and whether or not we always enjoy what that means, we should remember not everyone will understand our circumstances. Stop taking advice from your friend back home (who's never known anyone in the military) who thinks your husband can't possibly be gone so much and still be faithful. Stop listening to people who make you feel it's such a sacrifice to love someone enough to be married to them for better or for worse.
