The War Widows

If there is one thing I've learned about military life at War time, It's that there is a lot of heartache.  Before I became an Army Wife, I saw the news, saw that a soldier was injured or killed, and after a fleeting sadness my life would be normal again.  Then, I met my husband...
When I met Josh, he was a Blackhawk crewchief.  The movie Blackhawk Down had just come out on DVD and I refused to watch it.  That was one of the many things that would change as I fell in love with a soldier, befriended soldiers and their families, and later became a military spouse.  It took me 5 years to sit down and watch that movie because I was terrified of what I'd see.  Military spouses are faced with watching their loved ones head off to War or training, knowing it's dangerous and having to put on a brave face.  To my surprise, the movie gave me a perspective I hadn't seen.  It made me realize that my husband didn't fly on helicopters solely because it was a cool job to have, he did it because he felt a calling to protect his country, by way of his family. 
Many Army wives say they fear the worst when they don't hear from their husbands while they're overseas.  We carry our cell phones everywhere, sometimes sleep with them, check our e-mail incessantly, we become obsessed with communication.  However, I am positive we all fear more than anything, more than phones that don't ring, is cars that pull into our driveways...  They won't ever call you to tell you something is wrong.  They send a car, full of people, up your driveway; And by then, you don't even want your phone.  You don't want to make the phone calls that come next.  You don't want to answer and hear anyone else's tears.  I am so very fortunate I have only had bad dreams about the government plates pulling up the street.  My husband is alive and well and home most nights for dinner right now.  But the point of this blog isn't to point out my blessings, it's to shed some light on ways we can become widows long before we ever see those vans.
People don't tell you about the emotional toll deployments take on soldiers and their families.  Our country has been deployed non-stop since 2002.  That's a lot of time away from home.  Couples weren't ready for the strain these deployments would have on their marriages.  When I met my husband he was living in a house with 2 couples, both of the girls were barely 21, divorced, and onto their next marriages.  This would be absurd anywhere else but in the Army, this is normal!!!  You can only imagine what Catholic school, happily-married parents, Betsy was thinking about this!!  I judged them.  Sometimes, I still catch myself doing it.  But here's the low-down on this often seen Military Marriage.
War Widow #1-The Basic/HS sweetheart scenario-He's leaving for Basic after Graduation, they've been together since Junior year, they're in love, and he doesn't know where he'll go after Basic.  So, they get married.  They stay together, he makes more money for having a dependent, it's a win-win.  Cue the deployment.  Here we have an 18y.o. girl, away from home, her new husband a million miles away, no support system, and loneliness kicks in.  He gets back, there's resentment, possible infidelity, and basically no marriage left.  Usually, this ends in divorce.  Basic promises a life of love and togetherness, the Army delivers loneliness. I do know a few couples who are still together after this scenario but they're like unicorns and are both very combat savvy marriage vets. 

War Widow #2- The Single-Married Mom.Then there's the estrangement that grows from having a spouse who hasn't been home for most of your marriage together.  You find yourselves finally together and realize you've never lived together, that he/she is a slob, a neat freak, has strange bowel habits, etc.  Basically, you're starting over at whatever point in your marriage and you can choose to stick it out or run away.  In the military, it's tough sticking together when things are always changing and you don't know what's next.  Some couples find strength in the new opportunities, some fall apart.  If you have kids this creates a continuity issue while raising them.  When you're always the boss and then your spouse comes home and becomes the new sheriff it can be demoralizing. Military wives spend A LOT of time parenting and problem solving by themselves and this can lead to resentment.  Eating dinner alone, while arguing with your children to eat, after spending an hour cooking, can reduce even the toughest Mom to a hateful Harpe.  

War Widow #3- The Wounded Warrior Widow. Some guys come back broken.  They can have physical injuries that are a new challenge or mental ones you don't see coming.  When someone leaves your home a kind, loving, tender individual and returns a moody, off-balance psycho this can be hard on EVERYONE.  People don't realize the toll War takes on a person's brain or heart.  A lot of men come home and "self-medicate" with alcohol or drugs or take out their frustration on their partner's through emotional or physical abuse.

War Widow #4 -PCSing(Permanent Change of Station) can certainly play a role in ending a marriage.  First thing's first, some women move away from home with their husbands from the jump.  They don't mind being away from family for the most part or don't have much of a home life to begin with. Then there are spouses like me who loved home, had friends, family, and a support system near by.  Spouses who do not want to move and who have been spoiled by being so close to home.  They move to a new area, have no friends, have no family close-by, and more often than not, their active duty spouse deploys right after arriving.  From experience I know, they feel isolated, unloved, and forgotten.  This usually causes some sort of resentment and definitely can lead to depression if they can't make the most of it.  These women will make 1 of 3 choices, stay and wait, go home during deployment, or sometimes leave in general.  Their unhappiness is so great that they start to think they're marriage is what is making them unhappy.  When in fact it's the lack of what marriage promised that is causing the unhappiness.  I love my husband but being away from my "home" makes me feel downright angry.  My choice is to wait it out and to try and remember my home doesn't exist without him.  My challenge now is to accept a place I don't like as my home.  Their won't be aunts and uncles and cousins around for my kids to hang out with and learn from and that really hurts me.  But with Army life, and for my marriage's sake, I have to hunker down and make a conscious choice to live here and like it here. 

War Widow #5- Actual War Widows.  Sometimes, they don't come home.  I have met very few war widows during our time in military service.  My first interaction was when I was working in retail and when I asked for a woman's I.D. she gave me her dependent I.D. Next to AD (Active Duty), it read DEC.  I asked her what DEC meant, to which she replied "deceased".  All I could muster was a feeble "I'm sorry".  There are a lot of reasons to be frustrated by your role as a military spouse.  Take a second and realize that some guys do not come home and those vans do show up.  In the last 10 years, we have lost a lot of husbands, fathers, brothers, and sons. We can argue about what we're fighting for and if it is worth fighting for but let's not. Let's instead think about the women who planned a life that will never happen, who planned a vacation that never came, who have to raise their children alone.  Think of them when you hate the town the Army put you in, think of them when you want to be unfaithful, think of them when it just doesn't seem worth it anymore.  I know that all they want in the whole world is to be annoyed by their husband's job because it would mean he was home and safe. We don't always get a second chance to be gracious or to be a good wife.  One day can change all of the plans you had.  One moment can take the love of your life away.

We as a military community should be fighting the war to save our families and our marriages.  We can not let the war-time divide us.  We must continue to defy the forces beyond our control.  Our spouses signed up to serve their country and whether or not we always enjoy what that means, we should remember not everyone will understand our circumstances.  Stop taking advice from your friend back home (who's never known anyone in the military) who thinks your husband can't possibly be gone so much and still be faithful.  Stop listening to people who make you feel it's such a sacrifice to love someone enough to be married to them for better or for worse.

The Birth of Sailor Cherry and the Death of "I Can't"

So, we have been in WA state for 1 year and 4 months.  I am not going to lie and say I love it.  My poor husband can't roll his eyes hard enough everytime I make a snarky comment about the weather.  That being said, my list of things I am looking forward to delivered.  Although I haven't been snowboarding, yet, I have experienced and understood the culture here way better than last time. 
So, my list
1. The Hackmans
2. Roller Derby.
3. Possibly snowboarding
4. Experiencing a different culture
5. Having my kids close to grandparents
6. Less bugs?
7. Can you tell I'm grasping here?
#1, It is amazing how much you don't realize you miss something or someone until you have them back in your life.  Close friends who know everything about you and love you are indispensable. 
#2. Well it's what this blog is about, really. (see next paragraph)
#3. Not yet, but we may be here awhile considering the housing market took a dive and we're just going to have to wait it out.
#4.  I've drank like 4 cups of coffee in the last 7 months, a record for me!  Seriously.  I have decided I'll keep an open mind about it.
#5.  The kids love playing at Grandma and Grandpa's house.  They love their dog, their chickens, their neighbor's donkeys, and Grandma and Grandpa, of course.  I am so glad that visiting their Grandparents can be such an experience for them.
#6.  There are significantly less flying cockroaches, lol!  However, in the summer, the flies and bees make me glad The DH bought me an electric fly swatter.

So, Roller Derby!!!  I like it more than I thought I would.  My first practice was the end of July 2011 and consisted of a lot of falls and suicides in Walmart skates barely fit for a session!  The next day I couldn't get up or sit down without excruciating pain.  I went to every practice available and then did a session skate once a week for the first couple months.  I ditched those white Walmart specials for a pair of actual Derby skates (Riedell She-Devils), passed my skills test, picked a derb.y name, and was rostered for my very first bout on October 15th, 2011 
Before I started derby I was anxious, depressed, and quite frankly not much fun.  I had become a "Mom" and didn't know what that meant or even who I was anymore.  I started taking Zoloft and understood that what was happening was something chemical that I couldn't fix on my own.  I also learned that exercise kicks depressions ass!  All that anxiety started dissipating and soon I wasn't overwhelmed by every little thing that didn't go exactly as planned.  I noticed my legs were strong again and my core could support weight again.  I learned that I am a hyper person by nature and that I actually crave exercise.  The inactivity of my life and moreover the complacency I had developed was kind of killing my spirit.  Like many women, and now men, "Roller Derby saved my soul" and more importantly it brought Betsy back.  It has given me a sense of purpose and empowerment that nothing had before. 
Before derby everything was "I can't" or "It's too hard".  It's not like I don't have days or even weeks where I don't feel super awesome.  For instance, in March, after my first job interview in literally years, all of that yucky came back and knocked me on my ass quicker than a can opener to the sternum.  I was blindsided by feeling not good enough for the first time since I started derby.  That feeling carried over into everything!  I was bad at making breakfast, being a Mom, being a wife; I was even bad at DERBY!  Ugh!!  After a very long crying spell one Sunday afternoon and some words of encouragement from my biggest fan, things got back to my new normal.  But even when days are tough I have still learned what people have been telling me for years, "I can" and more importantly, I will! I have been a stay at home Mom and Army wife for nearly 6 and a half years and have spent countless days and nights handling the house by myself all the while feeling incapable.  But when I strap on roller skates and pads, I'm somehow not incapable, I am empowered!  For literally the first time in my life, I have a sport, friends, and some form of purpose. 

So, to all those ladies just starting derby and loving it but feeling bad at it, here are a few insights, 1. you're only gonna get out what you put in.  2. YOU CAN! 3. Sucking is the first symptom that you're actually learning.

The "Priviledged" Life Of An Army Spouse

My name is Betsy.  I have been a military spouse for almost 5 years now.  Since then we have been to 3 duty stations, going on 4 this summer,  had 2 beautiful children, and spent only about half of that time in the same country.  I hear a lot of stereotypes about military spouses.  One is that Officer's wives are "priviledged" or "snobby" or the always lovely, "gold digger", or any other number of colorful adjectives.  My husband has been in the Army 9 years, when we met he was an e4,  I made more money than he did.  Now, I'm a stay-at-home Mom of 2, with no income to speak of, and get judged by that daily.  Which brings me to the first point of my blog for the day, SAHMs aren't always priviledged to do so.  My husband has spent the better part of 5 years deployed.  It was out of need that I stayed home to begin with.  Who is going to watch my child til 10:00 at night?!  Not my husband, he was in Iraq.  Not my parents, they live too far away.  The Army gives you the oppurtunity to stay at home but also leaves you crippled by the need to.  Now, before everyone jumps my shit, I know there are organizations in place to help spouses and dependants.  But have you been there?  These places are undermanned and over capacity.  And forget about it if your kid has a food allergy!!  Countless forms, doctors visits, even permission slips to take photos of your kids so no one gives them peanuts, in a peanut free environment.  Oy vay!! 

But the point is, when you're a sahm and Army spouse, there is no understudy.  No one will cover your shift.  If you need to do anything or go anywhere you better call FAR in advance or have a few very good friends on standby, because that hair appointment will not happen otherwise.    You are essentially a single mom without the convenience of a support system.  Not that you don't have friends willing to trade or day cares... but single moms have family.  People they love and trust always waiting to take their kids for them.  Army wives have each other but chances are those wives are in the same boat as you.   

This all stems from our latest PCS orders... I have one family there that I am truly comfortable with and who have really taken us in as family.  Other than that, I will be over 3000 miles away from my family and friends.  Another downside to the life I chose.  I know I chose this life, I love my husband, I love our children but I'd be lying if I said I always love this lifestyle.  We are constantly adapting, changing schedules, sacrificing, and most of the time I take these changes in stride and keep going.  But I'm human.  I lose sight of what's important. 

I can't ignore the fact that it is in my DNA to want a family, a community, a church, something that is constant.  Change is the only constant in our lives, in all of our lives, and GOD, he continues to try and chisel away at my stubbornness.  He continuously calls me to dig deeper, run faster, try harder.  And everyday, I fail, and every day he's there again.  Asking more of me, coaxing me to see the path he's laying out for me.  Quite honestly, I'm the dog who is digging her heels in the mud while God pulls me by the leash.  He knows I need this and I know he has a plan I don't understand yet.  He knows I'm angry with Him and confused.  I come to Him like a child to curl up on His lap for comfort.  He comforts me and sends me back out unwaivering in His conviction to mold me, to guide me where He needs me.  If only I could be as strong as I know He sees me.  I know that if the Lord can make me feel I am capable of all of the these things... Being a great Mom, a devoted wife, accepting His plans for me, Thriving in what seems to be adversity, that I truly am capable.  Because I don't think he'd lead me here if I wasn't meant to really flourish and grow.  He's like a personal trainer, pushing me to go harder, finish strong.  He knows my heart feels heavy, he knows the burdens it carries, He knows that I can carry them because I am His child.  Again, I am human.  The faith I have in Him far outweighs the faith I have in myself.  My heart remembers the sting of loneliness and is resisting that feeling again.  It's a lot like pulling off a waxing strip, the first one hurts so bad that you physically can't bring yourself to pull the other strips off.  (I think that's why we go to salons, it's a lot easier to have someone else pull the band-aid.)  But easy isn't what God wants from me, because he knows and somewhere deep down, I know, that I am capable of difficult. 
Well, that is not where I meant to take this blog, but I guess God had another plan in mind here as well.