The Birth of Sailor Cherry and the Death of "I Can't"

So, we have been in WA state for 1 year and 4 months.  I am not going to lie and say I love it.  My poor husband can't roll his eyes hard enough everytime I make a snarky comment about the weather.  That being said, my list of things I am looking forward to delivered.  Although I haven't been snowboarding, yet, I have experienced and understood the culture here way better than last time. 
So, my list
1. The Hackmans
2. Roller Derby.
3. Possibly snowboarding
4. Experiencing a different culture
5. Having my kids close to grandparents
6. Less bugs?
7. Can you tell I'm grasping here?
#1, It is amazing how much you don't realize you miss something or someone until you have them back in your life.  Close friends who know everything about you and love you are indispensable. 
#2. Well it's what this blog is about, really. (see next paragraph)
#3. Not yet, but we may be here awhile considering the housing market took a dive and we're just going to have to wait it out.
#4.  I've drank like 4 cups of coffee in the last 7 months, a record for me!  Seriously.  I have decided I'll keep an open mind about it.
#5.  The kids love playing at Grandma and Grandpa's house.  They love their dog, their chickens, their neighbor's donkeys, and Grandma and Grandpa, of course.  I am so glad that visiting their Grandparents can be such an experience for them.
#6.  There are significantly less flying cockroaches, lol!  However, in the summer, the flies and bees make me glad The DH bought me an electric fly swatter.

So, Roller Derby!!!  I like it more than I thought I would.  My first practice was the end of July 2011 and consisted of a lot of falls and suicides in Walmart skates barely fit for a session!  The next day I couldn't get up or sit down without excruciating pain.  I went to every practice available and then did a session skate once a week for the first couple months.  I ditched those white Walmart specials for a pair of actual Derby skates (Riedell She-Devils), passed my skills test, picked a derb.y name, and was rostered for my very first bout on October 15th, 2011 
Before I started derby I was anxious, depressed, and quite frankly not much fun.  I had become a "Mom" and didn't know what that meant or even who I was anymore.  I started taking Zoloft and understood that what was happening was something chemical that I couldn't fix on my own.  I also learned that exercise kicks depressions ass!  All that anxiety started dissipating and soon I wasn't overwhelmed by every little thing that didn't go exactly as planned.  I noticed my legs were strong again and my core could support weight again.  I learned that I am a hyper person by nature and that I actually crave exercise.  The inactivity of my life and moreover the complacency I had developed was kind of killing my spirit.  Like many women, and now men, "Roller Derby saved my soul" and more importantly it brought Betsy back.  It has given me a sense of purpose and empowerment that nothing had before. 
Before derby everything was "I can't" or "It's too hard".  It's not like I don't have days or even weeks where I don't feel super awesome.  For instance, in March, after my first job interview in literally years, all of that yucky came back and knocked me on my ass quicker than a can opener to the sternum.  I was blindsided by feeling not good enough for the first time since I started derby.  That feeling carried over into everything!  I was bad at making breakfast, being a Mom, being a wife; I was even bad at DERBY!  Ugh!!  After a very long crying spell one Sunday afternoon and some words of encouragement from my biggest fan, things got back to my new normal.  But even when days are tough I have still learned what people have been telling me for years, "I can" and more importantly, I will! I have been a stay at home Mom and Army wife for nearly 6 and a half years and have spent countless days and nights handling the house by myself all the while feeling incapable.  But when I strap on roller skates and pads, I'm somehow not incapable, I am empowered!  For literally the first time in my life, I have a sport, friends, and some form of purpose. 

So, to all those ladies just starting derby and loving it but feeling bad at it, here are a few insights, 1. you're only gonna get out what you put in.  2. YOU CAN! 3. Sucking is the first symptom that you're actually learning.

Mr. Incredible comes home late for dinner, too.

Someone asked me the other day, "How do you keep from resenting your husband?".  I said "I remember that I chose this life too."  Although there are times I wonder how a girl so independent and forward thinking ended up married to a man in the military and living in a place so devoid of culture, (I get stared at regularly and have to look around to remember a good portion of my torso is covered in tattoos...) I catch myself remembering the sense of adventure I had when this whole thing started. 
I married my husband knowing that he was in the military and being fully aware that he would have to travel a lot but up until about 3 years ago, he was the only one moving anywhere.  I was pretty spoiled by the fact that I met my husband in what was almost my home town.  I never had to live away from my sisters or my parents, at least not more than an hour.  So, here I am in the middle of nowhere, again.  My kids have already lived in 3 different states and my oldest is just turning 4!  There are a lot of things about military life they glaze over in the pamphlet.  And for me, the one thing they talk about the most, moving a lot, is the one thing I thought I wouldn't have to do!!  So, we're on move number 3? now and I am dealing with all of the things I didn't think to deal with before.  Again, my rarely used sense of adventure is tingling and I am ready to get the f*** out of dodge!  I don't know that I am excited about where we are heading but I am damn sure excited about not being here.  I don't think my husband or I have ever had such a case of vacationitis or short-timers syndrome.  It's hot here and humid and boring!  We are just ready to start our lives again.  We've been in limbo here, having had to practically start over and rebuild.  And in every sense too.  Up until September of 2009, we hadn't lived together for more than a couple months in the entirety of our marriage, we've been married 5 years!  So, we had to learn to live with each other and learn to be parents simultaneously.  These last 2 years have been extremely trying for both of us emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
Anyways, we all have times when we look over at our spouses and think "WTF! was I thinking?" We all have to sacrifice something to make a marriage work.  If we're lucky those sacrifices will be insignificant but if you think of your new family unit as "the greater good" then even the the big stuff will pale in comparison.  Remember the movie The Incredibles...

"Frozone: The public is in danger!

Honey: My evening's in danger!

Frozone: You tell me where my suit is woman! This is for the greater good!

Honey: I am your wife! I am the greatest 'good' you are ever gonna get!"

AND SOMETIMES, saving the world has to be more important than dinner. 

The things that bug me aren't living far away, it's the freedom we don't have.  We're so busy with this lifestyle and time off is so hard to come-by that we miss a lot of stuff.  Or worse, I have to go by myself!!!  I have been to one wedding with my husband in 6 years (besides our own) and it was at our house.  There have been 3 or more I've had to go to alone.  Stag at a wedding is not fun, especially, when you're already married.  That's the thing no one tells you about being a military spouse.  Being alone is the biggest downside of this job.  If I lived far away from my family but got to see my husband everyday and have bbqs on the weekends and all of that stuff, I think it would be a million times easier to be a military spouse.  We get married to grow old together and it is hard for some of us to take when we're just getting old and tired and not doing any of it together.  So, if you were to allow yourself to dwell on that, than yea, I'd be resentful too... But I love my husband and even when I am disappointed and feeling like life is unfair I try to remember that I signed that marriage certificate.  "For Better or Worse"

Disappointment is a 4 letter word

When I think about moving, or any big change or plan for that matter, I pick it to random pieces so that I can digest it better.  I almost always find all the negative first, especially if I don't like the change/plan.  My husband will attest that this is not my most attractive trait.  My ability to be so negative for what can seem like no reason truly takes the joy out of most things.  It's a defense mechanism honed after years of being disappointed.  If you don't like something, you can't be disappointed if it doesn't happen, if you don't like someone, your feelings can't be hurt when they don't like you, etc.  We didn't have much growing up and I was a dork with an overbite so my ability to shut disappointment out helped me greatly or at least it helped me not be disappointed in public.  Those disappointments never went away.  All the parties I wasn't invited to or no one showed up for, all the events we never got to go to because we didn't have money, or the extracurricular activities we couldn't be a part of.... I am not throwing a pity party, just trying to relate where this need to hate every plan or activity comes from.  Now, this is where this behavior has created a problem.  I am 29, my husband makes ok money (call your congressman and change that), I have a home, a car, all of those types of things, but I never do anything!  I find an excuse or reason to avoid doing everything, and not because I don't want to or don't think I'll like it,  But because I am terrified of disappointment!!  I settle for so many things because disappointment is what I've decided to accept.  So, because I don't speak up, I get disappointed.  It's a vicious cycle. One I need to stop.  I want to be a Yes-Man!  I want to do stuff.  I want people to call me and know I'm up for anything.  How do I do that?!  I emplore(sp) you to help me!!!   I will shoot down all of your ideas because that is what I do.  I always look for the weak spot in every plan.  I have built such a wall against disappointment that I never expect anything... and I never plan anything either.

So, from here, I will list the reasons that I am excited about our move (in no particular order)
1. The Hackmans
2. Roller Derby.
3. Possibly snowboarding
4. Experiencing a different culture
5. Having my kids close to grandparents
6. Less bugs?
7. Can you tell I'm grasping here?
I can assure you the other list is way longer.  I won't put it on here because I am trying to open my mind to possibilities.  Please, take this as a step in a positive direction and don't look at how few items are on my list.  I am trying.  I feel impending doom and I'm nervous.

The "Priviledged" Life Of An Army Spouse

My name is Betsy.  I have been a military spouse for almost 5 years now.  Since then we have been to 3 duty stations, going on 4 this summer,  had 2 beautiful children, and spent only about half of that time in the same country.  I hear a lot of stereotypes about military spouses.  One is that Officer's wives are "priviledged" or "snobby" or the always lovely, "gold digger", or any other number of colorful adjectives.  My husband has been in the Army 9 years, when we met he was an e4,  I made more money than he did.  Now, I'm a stay-at-home Mom of 2, with no income to speak of, and get judged by that daily.  Which brings me to the first point of my blog for the day, SAHMs aren't always priviledged to do so.  My husband has spent the better part of 5 years deployed.  It was out of need that I stayed home to begin with.  Who is going to watch my child til 10:00 at night?!  Not my husband, he was in Iraq.  Not my parents, they live too far away.  The Army gives you the oppurtunity to stay at home but also leaves you crippled by the need to.  Now, before everyone jumps my shit, I know there are organizations in place to help spouses and dependants.  But have you been there?  These places are undermanned and over capacity.  And forget about it if your kid has a food allergy!!  Countless forms, doctors visits, even permission slips to take photos of your kids so no one gives them peanuts, in a peanut free environment.  Oy vay!! 

But the point is, when you're a sahm and Army spouse, there is no understudy.  No one will cover your shift.  If you need to do anything or go anywhere you better call FAR in advance or have a few very good friends on standby, because that hair appointment will not happen otherwise.    You are essentially a single mom without the convenience of a support system.  Not that you don't have friends willing to trade or day cares... but single moms have family.  People they love and trust always waiting to take their kids for them.  Army wives have each other but chances are those wives are in the same boat as you.   

This all stems from our latest PCS orders... I have one family there that I am truly comfortable with and who have really taken us in as family.  Other than that, I will be over 3000 miles away from my family and friends.  Another downside to the life I chose.  I know I chose this life, I love my husband, I love our children but I'd be lying if I said I always love this lifestyle.  We are constantly adapting, changing schedules, sacrificing, and most of the time I take these changes in stride and keep going.  But I'm human.  I lose sight of what's important. 

I can't ignore the fact that it is in my DNA to want a family, a community, a church, something that is constant.  Change is the only constant in our lives, in all of our lives, and GOD, he continues to try and chisel away at my stubbornness.  He continuously calls me to dig deeper, run faster, try harder.  And everyday, I fail, and every day he's there again.  Asking more of me, coaxing me to see the path he's laying out for me.  Quite honestly, I'm the dog who is digging her heels in the mud while God pulls me by the leash.  He knows I need this and I know he has a plan I don't understand yet.  He knows I'm angry with Him and confused.  I come to Him like a child to curl up on His lap for comfort.  He comforts me and sends me back out unwaivering in His conviction to mold me, to guide me where He needs me.  If only I could be as strong as I know He sees me.  I know that if the Lord can make me feel I am capable of all of the these things... Being a great Mom, a devoted wife, accepting His plans for me, Thriving in what seems to be adversity, that I truly am capable.  Because I don't think he'd lead me here if I wasn't meant to really flourish and grow.  He's like a personal trainer, pushing me to go harder, finish strong.  He knows my heart feels heavy, he knows the burdens it carries, He knows that I can carry them because I am His child.  Again, I am human.  The faith I have in Him far outweighs the faith I have in myself.  My heart remembers the sting of loneliness and is resisting that feeling again.  It's a lot like pulling off a waxing strip, the first one hurts so bad that you physically can't bring yourself to pull the other strips off.  (I think that's why we go to salons, it's a lot easier to have someone else pull the band-aid.)  But easy isn't what God wants from me, because he knows and somewhere deep down, I know, that I am capable of difficult. 
Well, that is not where I meant to take this blog, but I guess God had another plan in mind here as well.