Disappointment is a 4 letter word

When I think about moving, or any big change or plan for that matter, I pick it to random pieces so that I can digest it better.  I almost always find all the negative first, especially if I don't like the change/plan.  My husband will attest that this is not my most attractive trait.  My ability to be so negative for what can seem like no reason truly takes the joy out of most things.  It's a defense mechanism honed after years of being disappointed.  If you don't like something, you can't be disappointed if it doesn't happen, if you don't like someone, your feelings can't be hurt when they don't like you, etc.  We didn't have much growing up and I was a dork with an overbite so my ability to shut disappointment out helped me greatly or at least it helped me not be disappointed in public.  Those disappointments never went away.  All the parties I wasn't invited to or no one showed up for, all the events we never got to go to because we didn't have money, or the extracurricular activities we couldn't be a part of.... I am not throwing a pity party, just trying to relate where this need to hate every plan or activity comes from.  Now, this is where this behavior has created a problem.  I am 29, my husband makes ok money (call your congressman and change that), I have a home, a car, all of those types of things, but I never do anything!  I find an excuse or reason to avoid doing everything, and not because I don't want to or don't think I'll like it,  But because I am terrified of disappointment!!  I settle for so many things because disappointment is what I've decided to accept.  So, because I don't speak up, I get disappointed.  It's a vicious cycle. One I need to stop.  I want to be a Yes-Man!  I want to do stuff.  I want people to call me and know I'm up for anything.  How do I do that?!  I emplore(sp) you to help me!!!   I will shoot down all of your ideas because that is what I do.  I always look for the weak spot in every plan.  I have built such a wall against disappointment that I never expect anything... and I never plan anything either.

So, from here, I will list the reasons that I am excited about our move (in no particular order)
1. The Hackmans
2. Roller Derby.
3. Possibly snowboarding
4. Experiencing a different culture
5. Having my kids close to grandparents
6. Less bugs?
7. Can you tell I'm grasping here?
I can assure you the other list is way longer.  I won't put it on here because I am trying to open my mind to possibilities.  Please, take this as a step in a positive direction and don't look at how few items are on my list.  I am trying.  I feel impending doom and I'm nervous.

The "Priviledged" Life Of An Army Spouse

My name is Betsy.  I have been a military spouse for almost 5 years now.  Since then we have been to 3 duty stations, going on 4 this summer,  had 2 beautiful children, and spent only about half of that time in the same country.  I hear a lot of stereotypes about military spouses.  One is that Officer's wives are "priviledged" or "snobby" or the always lovely, "gold digger", or any other number of colorful adjectives.  My husband has been in the Army 9 years, when we met he was an e4,  I made more money than he did.  Now, I'm a stay-at-home Mom of 2, with no income to speak of, and get judged by that daily.  Which brings me to the first point of my blog for the day, SAHMs aren't always priviledged to do so.  My husband has spent the better part of 5 years deployed.  It was out of need that I stayed home to begin with.  Who is going to watch my child til 10:00 at night?!  Not my husband, he was in Iraq.  Not my parents, they live too far away.  The Army gives you the oppurtunity to stay at home but also leaves you crippled by the need to.  Now, before everyone jumps my shit, I know there are organizations in place to help spouses and dependants.  But have you been there?  These places are undermanned and over capacity.  And forget about it if your kid has a food allergy!!  Countless forms, doctors visits, even permission slips to take photos of your kids so no one gives them peanuts, in a peanut free environment.  Oy vay!! 

But the point is, when you're a sahm and Army spouse, there is no understudy.  No one will cover your shift.  If you need to do anything or go anywhere you better call FAR in advance or have a few very good friends on standby, because that hair appointment will not happen otherwise.    You are essentially a single mom without the convenience of a support system.  Not that you don't have friends willing to trade or day cares... but single moms have family.  People they love and trust always waiting to take their kids for them.  Army wives have each other but chances are those wives are in the same boat as you.   

This all stems from our latest PCS orders... I have one family there that I am truly comfortable with and who have really taken us in as family.  Other than that, I will be over 3000 miles away from my family and friends.  Another downside to the life I chose.  I know I chose this life, I love my husband, I love our children but I'd be lying if I said I always love this lifestyle.  We are constantly adapting, changing schedules, sacrificing, and most of the time I take these changes in stride and keep going.  But I'm human.  I lose sight of what's important. 

I can't ignore the fact that it is in my DNA to want a family, a community, a church, something that is constant.  Change is the only constant in our lives, in all of our lives, and GOD, he continues to try and chisel away at my stubbornness.  He continuously calls me to dig deeper, run faster, try harder.  And everyday, I fail, and every day he's there again.  Asking more of me, coaxing me to see the path he's laying out for me.  Quite honestly, I'm the dog who is digging her heels in the mud while God pulls me by the leash.  He knows I need this and I know he has a plan I don't understand yet.  He knows I'm angry with Him and confused.  I come to Him like a child to curl up on His lap for comfort.  He comforts me and sends me back out unwaivering in His conviction to mold me, to guide me where He needs me.  If only I could be as strong as I know He sees me.  I know that if the Lord can make me feel I am capable of all of the these things... Being a great Mom, a devoted wife, accepting His plans for me, Thriving in what seems to be adversity, that I truly am capable.  Because I don't think he'd lead me here if I wasn't meant to really flourish and grow.  He's like a personal trainer, pushing me to go harder, finish strong.  He knows my heart feels heavy, he knows the burdens it carries, He knows that I can carry them because I am His child.  Again, I am human.  The faith I have in Him far outweighs the faith I have in myself.  My heart remembers the sting of loneliness and is resisting that feeling again.  It's a lot like pulling off a waxing strip, the first one hurts so bad that you physically can't bring yourself to pull the other strips off.  (I think that's why we go to salons, it's a lot easier to have someone else pull the band-aid.)  But easy isn't what God wants from me, because he knows and somewhere deep down, I know, that I am capable of difficult. 
Well, that is not where I meant to take this blog, but I guess God had another plan in mind here as well.