The Future of Derby is Now

       Recently, I have been given the opportunity to coach the JBLM Bettie Bratz, my roller derby league's junior team.  The team consists of young girls and boys ranging in age from 7-14.  Today, while planning some drills for them I realized something, this is a HUGE responsibility!  Not because of the extra time and extra work that I am putting into it, or because I've never coached anyone outside of Sales associates and Assistant managers, but because I will be shaping their opinion of sports.

       When I was a child, my twin sister wanted to be a cheerleader.  Much to my shagrin, I also had to participate.  Now, a lot can be said about my desire vs. my ability, but that's not the point.  I was told, in a very direct way, that although I wasn't actually good enough to make the team my sister was.  And so, by default I was put on the team and then made to stand in the back.  This was an activity that maybe didn't require a lot of skill for a young, rambunctious child and somehow I didn't make the cut.  Fast forward to our next sports fail, Basketball.  I loved basketball as a child!  The dream team was in the Olympics, I had Michael Jordan posters.  I was tall for my age.  I wanted so much for this to be MY sport!  I played on the intramural team, not well.  Later, tried out for JV team, with no success.  I hadn't watched a whole lot of basketball and there was nowhere for me to practice or more than likely, no one to practice with.  I didn't know how much time and energy went into being good at a sport.  Moreover, I didn't have anyone to show me.  So, in that same year, my twin sister again decided on our activity.  This time it was ballet.  As a child, I imagine I seemed a good fit for it, long, lean, and flexible.  Our dance teacher decided 2 weeks in that I wasn't touching my toes to my head soon enough and pushed them together.  Did you know you could sprain shoulder blades?!  Me neither.  I was "injured" and refused to go back.   I tried tennis at about 12 and that went considerably better. I practiced several times a week and was terrible! The difference being our coach made me try and encouraged me to keep showing up and practicing.  These are all examples of how adults can change a child's perspective on a sport.  It took me 20 years to get over those feelings of inadequacy. 

       So, here's my current opportunity, to have these young people believe that I feel they're capable and to make themselves believe that they are capable.  I must create an environment that develops growth for all different learning styles and personalities.  (Who knew there was so much personality!?)  I am amazed at the ability these young people possess and their drive to accomplish new skills.  All I have to do is cultivate this love for learning about roller derby (hahaha).  That's all, no pressure!  All the while, being mindful that my attitude toward their abilities could have a positive or negative impact on their feelings toward their abilities.

       We're not just coaching kids, we're coaching future athletes and coaches! What types of athletes are we developing? Hardworking, Tenacious, Goal-driven? Are we instilling sportsman like qualities? Are we setting the example in our own game play? Is winning the ultimate goal or is learning and adapting?    I guess I'm wondering, what are your positive coaching experiences?  Either as a coach or an athlete, what behavior motivated you and helped you succeed?  How did you as a coach or athlete and your coaches handle losing? 

   

My Sister Wife, The Army

    What is a marriage anyway?  I guess the main difference between a committed couple and a married couple is a certificate from the county clerk's office.   But they don't ever ask how many children you both want or where you plan to buy your first home.  They never ask who's career will be more important.  The clerk doesn't have a checklist.  Just a questionnaire to help prove you're not related or still married to someone else.
      Why do I care about any of this?  Because I feel the difference is promises.  A boyfriend may promise to love you forever but he does it in private.  A husband, tells everyone, including God and your county clerk that he wants you and only you until the contract becomes null and void (i.e. til death do us part)  Or until someone breaks that legal agreement.  More often than not it's the latter.

      I married a man in the military.  A man who already had a contract with someone else.  Someone who is, in essence, already a married man.  Am I a homewrecker or a homemaker?  I keep trying to get around this bureaucracy but I am feeling that they are winning.  While a lot of guys can take a sick day, mine can not.  Vacation, that's a no too.  And all of these random and inconvenient things have become a part of our everyday life.  A series of challenges we must face every day.  So, in my particular case, while he's out learning to fly, I'm figuring out Tricare and on-post childcare.  While he's wearing a clean, crisp uniform, I'm in stained pajamas.  While he's navigating a flight path, I'm negotiating with a 2 yr old about the importance of eating lunch.  All of this, in both of our cases, is so we can be home with our family and make the world a little better.

      People don't understand that having your husband home late or not at all is a way of life.  They some how begrudge it, wives included.  I was pretty spoiled by the fact that I met my husband when he was stationed just an hour away from my hometown, not his or ours.  Most women meet their military spouse in high school or in the place they both grew up.  I imagine that that scenario can be quite convenient when visiting grandparents.  But it's not the case with us.  Not to mention, when we got married we weren't aware of what having kids would do to change those feelings. 
       Kids are a game changer. Period.  Any traveling you did before, any friends you hung out with, any restaurants or bars you went to, that is all out the window.  Those places and things become like DisneyLand for you.  So, visiting the in-laws takes on a whole 'nother level of difficulty if you have to, *gasp*, take an airplane or worse, drive for 5 days!!  It's a lot of work and things come up with kids that make having your spouse deployed that much more difficult.  Because you're dealing with your grief and your childrens'.  And theirs' will not be as clean and precise as yours, they will pick the worst time ever to miss Daddy!  Like, at the grocery store or in the middle of your sister's wedding.  Children don't understand what is socially acceptable.  They act the way we wish we could when things are stressful.  They haven't learned how to hide disappointment, frustration, and anger.  They throw themselves on the ground and cry and kick and scream.
 

       We may not always get along but the Army is my Sister Wife.  She's the boundary line, the bread-winner, the complicater, and the glue.  

Roller Derby, the new FRG.

The life of the military spouse is often riddled with good-byes.  From the initial good-bye to our spouses at basic or our families after we get orders to our first duty station. Later, it's the friends we come to see as family  and more often than any of us want to remember, it's saying our final good-byes to men and women who have come to our bar-b-ques, watched our kids, or helped us install bathroom tile.We spend much of our time relying on people who aren't our family and develop close relationships in short amounts of time.  This is necessary for survival in the military.  From combat to carpooling, getting to know and trust people quickly is imperative.  I've been thinking a lot about this paradigm lately. 
Where I'm from, in not-so-small town Philadelphia, PA, most people never leave.  They raise their families with their siblings or the girls they've known since kindergarten. They can call their Moms' to come babysit for an impromptu date night.  I have mixed feelings about this; The first feeling is jealousy.  I would give a vital organ to be able to live close to my siblings and parents.  That being said, I don't think they realize how many awesome people are out there that they haven't even met.  The Army affords me the opportunity to meet people I didn't think existed.  People who understand me, people who get what I'm going through, people who are literally able to handle anything life throws at them, and people who would do anything for me not because we share the same blood but because we're all fighting the same battle.  With getting to know these people comes the painful sting of having to say good-bye to even more family.  Moreover, knowing these people exist, makes you realize that we could all learn a thing or two about friendship.
We call ourselves sister wives, battle buddies, and deployment bffs.  We spend time helping raise each others' children, cooking meals, or cleaning out the garage for the pre-PCS yard sale.  Not even my Mom knows what a day in my life is like, but these women, they get it.  They get that I'm not resentful of my husband when he's gone, they get that I chose this, they also understand that sometimes I think it's not fair even if I talk a big game. 
I was very fortunate to meet my husband when he was already in the military.  It was a steep learning curve.  I didn't buy into the FRG (Family Readiness Group) business and my family was only an hour away, so how hard could it be, right?!  Wow, I would soon find out!  I was and am still terrible at making friends.  Luckily, our first venture into PCSing came with friends attached.  Those people, no matter where our lives take us, will always be close to my heart.  Our next PCS, also had friends but was a little more difficult even though closer to home.  However, our most recent was a ruder awakening.  Honestly, I don't know that I would have survived without finding roller derby.  Through roller derby, I found my FRG.  It's everything FRG should be, no rank, low drama, and fun!  But now the good-byes are getting more difficult. 
Since beginning roller derby, I've met so many women who were kind, smart, and tough.  They just wanted time away from the every day life of being moms, wives, and soldiers.  You bond with each other as a team and then as individuals and there's less cliques like you get with FRG,  It's not the officers vs. enlisted at derby.  We're women and we're all playing for the same team so no one cares that you're a Seargent Major or a PFC.  They do care about you as an individual and your family needs but they're not nosy or vindictive. 

Let's get back to the point, the Military introduces us, Roller Derby bonds us, and those experiences bind us forever.  So, I know no matter where I go, I have friends because I have the military and because I have roller derby.  But those women, who stood beside me, skated beside me, leaned on me, or lent me their shoulders, they will always be with me.  Without the Army, I wouldn't know what that meant.  So, Murph, Red, Wendy, Somer, Angie, Pain, Quarter, 4-Scar, all of you ladies and all the ones I miss and love, thank you for making the good-byes more difficult.